The other day was a hard day for me. It didn't start out that way though. Infact, I thought I had my emotions in check concerning all that was going on. But somehow, after I got to my weekly church family meeting in the evening, I suddenly felt so heavy! Like a ton of bricks had been placed on my shoulders.
I felt so alone and unknown in a room full of people I've grown to love. People who we've been vulnerable with each other and haven't judged each other. Suddenly I felt so alone while with them! Ever felt that way? And as the meeting progressed, I couldn't get myself to participate. The sadness and heaviness were so strong. And initially, I couldn't even figure out why I was feeling that way. But then, as I kept rummaging my brain for the reason of this heaviness and sadness, it hit me:
Yes.
I'd had a run-in with my soon-to-be ex-husband! We'd disagreed sharply over several things during the course of the week, and it had culminated that day.
Several months before this, I'd told myself that engaging with him just makes things worse and drains my energy. The people I speak to also told me the same. One of my closest friends was even very upset with me for engaging with him the last time it happened.
It causes me to get into this negative space of; "is there something wrong with me; am I too much; don't I deserve to be loved and cherished; is he right about how bad he says I am; maybe this is what love really looks like and I just have a warped vision of love in my head(he swears he loves, but I just don't appreciate his love)..."
But here lies the problem: I've seen and experienced True love(not perfect love) with how my dad treated me and how I saw him treat my mom. I watched him pursue her again and again over the years. I watched him sacrifice his "African pride" as a man and pamper her, cook for her/us, even do house chores very gladly. He'd very often take her on walks. So much so that all of us their children joke about how, when he would be taking her on a date and we ask to follow, he'd always answer with a smug "mwenzeko?!"(where you there). Meaning we were not there when they began their journey so why should we always follow them😅. Or if we asked him where they were going, he'd always say "theya!" ("There". He loved faking this typical Zambian accent when he wanted to tease or be a bully, lol). I saw him bring Mom flowers, chocolate, drinks and snacks she loved. And when we ask for some, he'd say "NO! These are for my WIFE!" With a great big smile. Those where the only times I experienced him not sharing something he had. Because it was "for his wife". He always taught us to respect and honour her. And I watched him do the same to her.
I experienced him patiently teach me all sorts of things; him laughing with me; he was awlways really deliberate about getting to know me and my interests, the things that make me unique as Jabu, then encouraging me to pursue those things. But when I was wrong, dad NEVER missed a beat! He'd Tell me in no uncertain terms that what I was doing was wrong and I needed to stop it! Yet not once, ever, did I feel rejected, unloved or unwanted by him! Even when he was correcting me and spanking me, when I was at the age of being spanked, I always knew he loved me deeply.
So you see, I'd experienced what love really felt like, and this most certainly was not it!
It didn't even feel/look like what the Bible describes love to be; patient, kind, long suffering, etc. My husband only expected perfection from me! If I did any wrong, he'd hold it against me, then say, if I didn't love you, I'd have left you for this, but here I am, still taking your nonsense. Yet he'd always use it against me and never trust me.
At the begining of my journey of healing from the emotional neglect/abuse and it's effects in my marriage, I'd come to realise that my soon-to-be ex-husband and I were on two totally different pages. How we saw the world was totally different, and neither of us was willing to compromise. Well, in all honesty, I'd compromised for the 5 years I was with him, but it only lead to my detriment and didn't make the marriage better. Because you see, if you have to totally loose yourself for a relationship to work, then it's toxic. You are what you bring to the relationship, which makes it unique and interesting. But if you have to loose you, and then there's only the one person in the relationship, that automatically ceases to be a relationship. It's now a "one-party state". Not a "democracy". And marriage is two equal partners coming together. You talk things through and come to a mutual agreement. Not one dictating to the other, and the other must simply follow orders.
Even The Almighty God Himself does not treat us that way.
So because of this, I'd decided I must not try and convince him to see things my way, if I'm to have any semblance of a decent relationship with him, which I really want to have, for the sake of the children. I don't want them to always see us being antagonistic towards each other. I'd like for them to experience a harmonious interaction between us. And if this was going to happen, I needed to let go of the need to "make him see my point", no matter how much that hurt, or how badly he painted my picture to others and to me. But even more importantly, I needed to do this for my sanity! Like I said earlier, engaging with him always just gave me negative energy. There was nothing positive that would come out of me engaging with him. Which was detrimental to my mental and physical health. Yes. It had affected my physical health at some point. My blood pressure had sky rocketed at some point, and at another I had to be admitted for a blood transfusion because the stress was causing me to loose blood profusely. My life was literally at risk.
So when the trigger happened this last time, I should have just let it go. I shouldn't have engaged. I should have known better. But alas, I did! And it cost me!
While at the weekly church family meeting, I was so out of it! Just about everyone kept asking me what was going on. This is why it's so important to have people around you who know you, and can tell when something is wrong. Eventually, one particular girl pushed so hard, I broke down! I couldn't even speak. All I could do was weep!
After getting back home and thinking through the whole thing, I realised that by engaging with my soon-to-be ex, I'd allowed myself to go back about a year. To one of the darkest times of my life! A time where I didn't even know myself anymore. I'd given up on everything about me, just to make the marriage work, and now I didn't know who Jabu was. This incident had taken me back to doubting my abilities; doubting my dreams, thinking I'm not worthy of them; wanting to start making myself small again, because he said I was too much.
But as I kept on pondering all this, I also realized how far I'd come! I overcame that darkness! I had seen the light! I'd began to taste the dream!
I remembered how strong I'd been and how hard I'd fought for myself!
About a year ago, I decided to walk away from it all!
I had no money. No source of income. No house. With 3 children; two toddlers and 1 teen.
When I told my soon-to-be ex that I was leaving him, he decided to stop paying rentals for the house we were living in. Knowing very well that I had no income. But I stood my ground. I was stuck though!
I cried out to God to give me a job to help me get a house for me and the children, yet nothing came forth. Nonetheless, I still refused to stay with him. I'd decided it would be better for me to sleep on the streets, than stay married to him.
Because emotional neglect/abuse is very hard to explain and discribe, my mother didn't want me at her home either. She thought I was just being petty!
But because I had the children with me, and no where else to go, I forced myself on her. She was last resort and I was at my wit's end!
Leaving with her was tough! Not just because she didn't hold any punches about me coming to leave with her instead to remaining with my husband, but also because I'd been living on my own for almost 2 decades! Then having to come back to my mother's house in this manner. It felt so demeaning. Here I was, a 40 year old, with 3 children, back in her mother's house.
But in spite of all that, I did the work of rebuilding myself! I got back my sanity and physical health. I cultivated a circle of healthy friends who helped me stay accountable and pushed me forward. I got back my dream and was even earning some monies from it!(he never believed in this work that I do: Come ALIVE Movement. He never believed in or supported what it stands for and how much it means to me. He always told me to give it up and just do something else. And I listened for a number of years).
So I reminded myself that I might not be where I want to be yet - I'm still living in my mother's house, and still finding my feet financially. But I'm most certainly NOT where I used to be!!
I also reminded myself how much strength it takes to start all over again, from scratch, with 3 children! Yet I did it!
In addition, I'm pursuing my dream! It takes strength to pursue ones dream. Especially when one is under so much pressure.
On top of all this, I was parenting and raising 3 children all by myself!
I reminded myself and celebrated my strength.
So no, I'm not where I want to be yet. But I'm certainly not where I used to be. And I'm kicking serious behind as I go!!
I do earnestly hope and pray that even on your worst days, you will somehow find the strength to remember how far you've come. No matter how small the steps might be, you are making progress and you must celebrate that progress!
Stay blessed ♥️🥰
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